Burgernoodle

Amy Winehouse - looking almost completely normal in the very outdated picture above - had to be removed from rehab and admitted to the hospital last night due to severe dehydration.  That’s like taking someone out of a sauna and sticking them in a hot tub because they’re too cold.  Shouldn’t rehab facilities come fully equipped with the tools to prevent/treat dehydration? Let’s not forget this is a place where people go to detox.  I’m no medical professional, but if I was helping someone come down off heroine, you better believe I’d have some electrolyte-packed beverages in close range.

The singer, who has long struggled with drug addiction, is still expected to take the stage at the Grammy Awards on Feb. 10th.

Shady, yeah a little bit.  Slim, not so much anymore.  According to TMZ, a 212 pound Eminem was rushed to the hospital over the holidays to treat a serious heart condition and complications with pneumonia.  Last time I checked, people suffering from debilitation colds and spouts of pneumonia usually drop the LBs, no?  Was someone swapping out his antibiotic pills with bacon double cheeseburgers and not telling him? 

It’s funny, as I’m reading this article about Eminem’s “ballooning weight” and “health scare,” there’s a big fat Dollar Menunaires advertisement for McDonalds in the sidebar.  Oh, online advertising.  Let’s round him out to a solid 300 pounds and schedule the heart transplant now.

Fergie, the booty-shaking, platform-wearing pop singer has not only won a date with Tad Hamilton, she’s won his everlasting husbandry love.  According to CNN, a publicist for Josh Duhamel (star of TV’s ”Las Vegas” and last summer’s “Transformers”) has announced that the two little love birds are now engaged.  The oddly paired romantic couple have been dating for three years and have recently bought a house together. 

In a completely unrelated sidenote, I’d like to add that Fergie got exponentially more interesting once she stepped away from the Black Eyed Peas and released her solo album, “The Dutchess.”  I’ve actually gone from despising her to pumping “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and “Glamorous” into every jukebox I come across. I’d love to know how many people share this sentiment.  I also want to test out this polling feature…

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According to E! Online, Britney Spears has run over her third paparazzi foot in less than a month while pulling into the Four Seasons Hotel the other night.  It’s perfectly safe to assume that the pop star has never benefited from the AAA “good driver” discount, but what we don’t know is why these cameramen even dare go near her vehicle without steel-toed boots these days.  But even if she’s more of a hazzard to the road than 3 feet of black ice, I’m siding with Brit on this one.  Shame on the paparazzi, they should know better.

Although there’s no documented footage (sorry) like the last time she squashed a photographer’s toes while exiting the doctor’s office, the cameraman (after ingnoring a hotel security guard’s warnings to “back up! back up!”) did scream out when she drove past.  At that point, she actually stopped the car, but no charges were filed.  Probably because it was just a ploy to snap a few more shots.  Because what the internet really needs is more pictures of Britney behind the wheel.

Today New York Post’s Page Six insinuated that Jon Bon Jovi may someday run for governor in the state of (guess) New Jersey.  The clues?  He’s keeping his home in Red Bank even though he’s moving him family to SoHo.  He also performs regularly at fundraisers for John Kerry and Al Gore, and apparently hired some new p.r. person that used to be the chief of staff for ex-Mayor, David Dinkins.  The governor’s office seems like the logical next step for someone like Bon Jovi.  A pop-metal icon goes from penning popular power ballads to signing state legislation.  And nothing says powerful political figure like a superman tattoo placed prominently on a muscular shoulder.  Watch out, Governor Jon Corzine.  A steel horse-riding cowboy is about to swoop into town.  And you know what you’re going down in…

Jessica Simpson has been accused of dating someone famous in order to drum up publicity for her upcoming country album.  Gasp! Mark this day down in your calendars, folks, this may be the first time in the history of Hollywood that someone’s ever faked a relationship to boost their image [see: Tom Cruise and the relationships that have spanned his lifetime].  Apparently the daisy duke and Owen Wilson have gone on several recent “dates” - dates that be the brainchild of an extraordinary publicity stunt!  He’s a fellow Texan recovering from a suicide attempt, and she’s a floppy pop star who’s putting out her first country album.  In the end, it doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake.  All celebrity relationships are silly fabrications.  When was the last time you read an US Magazine and then filed it away into the non-fiction aisle of your mental library?  Probably never.

See?  She’s a decent mother afterall.  She did what any loving mother would do for their children towards the end of the fall harvest…make a trip to the pumpkin patch to prep for Hallows Eve!  Oops, close.  Turns out, according to US Magazine, that when Britney and the gang stopped at the Calabasas pumpkin patch, she made the kids stay in the car.  Aren’t patches sort of for the children?  Isn’t that why you go?  Otherwise, wouldn’t you just snag a pumpkin on sale at the check-out line of Safeway?

Despite all the negative press Britney is getting for loving her mocha frap lattes more than her kids, her latest single “Gimme More” is definitely getting plenty of airtime, and recently hit #3 on Billboards Hot 100 List.  And don’t ask why.  It’s Britney, bitch.

E! Online reports that Clear Channel Communications in Florida has been bullied by Britany Spears’ attorneys to take down billboards promoting a crraaazzy local radio show because they used those psycho bald photos of the pop singer that anyone with a computer or an US magazine subscription has seen about a gazillion times.  What’s another billboard plastered along the highway gonna do?  Convince the 75 year olds driving from Tampa to Jacksonville that they shouldn’t buy any future Britney albums because she belongs in the loony bin?  Well guess what, those folks are driving to the loony bin and they can barely see the road…let alone those billboards.  Ageist jokes aside, it may be time to make fun of a different washed up pop star.  And really, isn’t it also time for us to take a wee bit of responsibility for her alleged craziness?  We didn’t put the cheetos in her mouth, but it’s likely we put those clippers in her hands.  The lesson here?  Start breeding tougher pop stars.