Burgernoodle

(so what if the title means nothing…)

So by now the Grammy Awards are old news, and I have no intention of recapping the jam-packed three and a half hour show here.  You’ve already read about who won, but if not, put on your spectacles and attack this complete list.  There are really only three things that I took away from Sunday night: 1) As impressive as Cirque de Soliel is, I just don’t like performance art. 2) I never knew just how spectacular Tina Turner really is; the jerky moves, the shuffle, the non-existant neck. 100 percent entertainment. I think I found my next Halloween costume. And finally, 3) Kanye is a terrible singer and remains to be the most annoying artist in Music today. Although he gave a touching  tribute to his late mother, he had me wretching in the kitchen can when he blabbed about how he won’t stop until he’s the “numbah one musician in the world.”  What does that even mean, Kanye?  At least that country singer guy decided to make West the butt of a little onstage joke while accepting his own Grammy.  That was the show’s highlight right there.

And the Shortlist Prize goes to…ding ding ding…Feist!  Nicely done; well deserved.  Although I don’t like the name of said award because it brings to mind contests where only those who ride the shortbus can be considered, I do like the concept.  The award recognizes musicians that haven’t yet reached mainstream status (sold fewer than 500,000 albums in the US).  Feist, a Canadian native who played in a punk rock band in her teens, is also a Grammy nominee for Best New Artist and will be taking the stage at the award show this Sunday.

(Toni Braxton wearing a piece of tp at the 2001 Grammy Awards)

Luckily for the Recording Industry, the Grammy Awards will not suffer the same fate as the recent Golden Globes.  The Writer’s Guild, still on strike, announced it would grant an “interim agreement” with Grammy organizers so that union writers can pen the script for the 50th annual Grammy Awards show (to air Feb. 10th on CBS).  If the Hollywood writers ever want to reach an agreement with producers this show better be flippin’ amazing.  They need to rise above the usual award-show-mediocrity and write some jaw-dropping jokes.  In all honesty, a 7th grade english student with the comedic capacity of a Joe Rogan could have written the past 49 Grammy Awards shows*.  It’s time to burn this mother out!  Otherwise, Junior High “B” students of the world should march down to la la land on Feb. 11th demanding industry jobs. 

*This comment was flagged for being slightly false: I probably started watching these shows only about 20 years ago.  Maybe the first 29 were amaaaaazing.  I wouldn’t know.

So when I noticed that the Grammy Nominations were announced today, I quickly thought of my Sunday evening plans and wondered if this time I would remember to set the DVR correctly (I was in Mexico for the Mtv Music Video Awards and I simply blanked on the recent AMAs).  To ensure that I don’t miss this one, I head on over to www.grammy.com only to see the horrific real-time countdown for the 5oth Annual Grammy Awards.  The ticker kindly informs me it’s a whopping 66 days, 4 hours, 49 minutes, and some odd seconds away, as if the Recording Industry doesn’t have anything better to do this holiday season than count down the days until mid February.  Another award show I’m destined to miss - which in all honesty is fine given the disappointing fact that Kanye West and Amy Winehouse are the leading nominees.

I’m placing my bets now as to how this one will pan out.  Celine will put us to sleep, Chris Brown will make all of our eyeballs tired with his 18 yr. old dance moves, and Britney will choose to forgo the festivities, opting instead for a trip to a nearby Starbucks.  I’m counting on a heavy American Idol presence, given the fact that Daughtry has sold more records than any other artist in 2007, and Carrie Underwood pretty much snagged every American Country Music Award.

I don’t care who the host is as long as one of the performances is Timbaland featuring One Republic.  The master producer has been responsible for most of the great pop singles of 2007.  It would only be right.

Since it’s considered fashionable to be late, I decided to show up 1 hour and 13 minutes late to Sunday night’s American Music Awards, which aired on ABC.  Whatever happened in those first 73 minutes is a big ole mystery to me, but I’m sure it included a couple of bland performances and a handful of presenters who hail from ABC prime-time dramas.  For the full list of winners head here.  Here is the quick and dirty of what I witnessed:

0:01 (that would be 9:14pm) - Sure enough, Dr. Karev and Dr. Grey (not Meredith) introduce the next performace -  the biggest pop/R&B song of the last 12 months.  The song? “Irreplaceable.” The performers?  One of country’s biggest acts, Sugarland.  Wow, pretty sure this song was never supposed to be sung with a southern twang.  Beyonce joins a minute into it, but sadly, it’s a minute too late and the song can’t be saved.

0:05 - Three random presenters announce that the Best Contemporary Artist award goes to…Daughtry!  Hmm, I don’t know about this.  Daughtry is about 27 Josh Grobans away from belonging in that category.  I’m utterly confused.

0:13 - Jimmy Kimmel (AMA host) actually introduces Josh Groban!! Amaaazing! I swear I wrote that last tid bit before this happened.  The real adult contemporary artist introduces Celine Dion, who is embarking upon a new world tour now that she’s conquered Vegas.  Snore.  I know I’m only 16 minutes deep, but I’m already paging someone from Seattle Grey to come by with a defibrillator.  Continue Reading…

If you live in a hole (or you were in Mexico and forgot to set your tivo) and missed the Mtv Video Music Awards this past Sunday, here are a few of the highlights and lowlights.  Highlight: Rhianna winning both ”Monster Single of the Year” and “Video of the Year” for “Umbrella”.  The only thing that might be wrong with this hot new R&B pop starlet is her decision to date Shia La Beouf.  Why why why.  If you’re going to date anyone from that summer blockbuster, how about that Win a Date with Tad Hamilton guy?  So what if he’s dating Fergie, at least he doesn’t have name that sounds like it belongs to a full bred Cavalier King Charles that was raised in the Hamptons.  Lowlight: Sarah Silverman being, for the first time in the history of the world, not at all funny.  This may have been more upsetting than having to see Britney in a leather bikini get-up.  Yes, another lowlight: Britney looking like she just washed down 3 valium with a glass of wine, trying desperately to remember the lyrics they wrote for her new single, and trying even harder not to fall down.  Scratch that as a lowlight, this was definitely a highlight.  Other “lights” that were neither high nor low: Kid Rock punching Tommy Lee’s lights out, JT apparently having so much fun that he had to cancel his Sacramento performance on Monday night, all the VMA “after parties” happening during the actual show, Mtv’s very own Kurt Loder looking like an alien (who’s got to be a billion years old by now).  Anyway, if you missed any of the show, it’s all on demand at Mtv.com.

Well, it’s that time of year again.  The moon men have shipped from the warehouse, landed on the desk of some Mtv executive, and are patiently awaiting their new home.  Mtv.com has announced this year’s nominees for the Video Music Awards which will air September 9th at 9pm, live from the Palms Casino in Las Vegas.  The major condenders should be no real surprise to anyone.  Justin Timberlake and Beyonce, King and Queen of all things Pop are both up for seven awards each.  Timbaland could win Monster Single of the Year with “The Way I Are,” but depending on how much influence Idol had this year, Daughtry’s “Home” could wind up with that one.  Man are we sick of that song.  In all honesty, Rihanna/Jay Z’s ”Umbrella” should take it home since that single is ridiculously fantastic.  All in all, the R&B influence in pop music these days is truely impressive.  And thank god for that because there are only so many Avril Lavignes and Fall Out Boys than we can handle.  Saying “no” to rehab scored Amy Winehouse a few nods as well (now we are getting into Academy Awards lingo).  And of course, it wouldn’t be a VMA without U2 winning awards for their alleged new releases .  The band is nominated for Most Earthshattering Collaboration for “The Saints Are Coming” (featuring Green Day) and Bono, himself, is nominated for Quadruple Threat Of The Year - you will need to visit Mtv.com for the definition of that one.  Of course they will win one, if not both, of these awards because that’s just the way it works.  Next year there should really just be a Generic U2 Award and the moon men can ship directly from the warehouse to Bono’s home address.