Burgernoodle

(Toni Braxton wearing a piece of tp at the 2001 Grammy Awards)

Luckily for the Recording Industry, the Grammy Awards will not suffer the same fate as the recent Golden Globes.  The Writer’s Guild, still on strike, announced it would grant an “interim agreement” with Grammy organizers so that union writers can pen the script for the 50th annual Grammy Awards show (to air Feb. 10th on CBS).  If the Hollywood writers ever want to reach an agreement with producers this show better be flippin’ amazing.  They need to rise above the usual award-show-mediocrity and write some jaw-dropping jokes.  In all honesty, a 7th grade english student with the comedic capacity of a Joe Rogan could have written the past 49 Grammy Awards shows*.  It’s time to burn this mother out!  Otherwise, Junior High “B” students of the world should march down to la la land on Feb. 11th demanding industry jobs. 

*This comment was flagged for being slightly false: I probably started watching these shows only about 20 years ago.  Maybe the first 29 were amaaaaazing.  I wouldn’t know.

As I am topped the charts last week, something I’m sure Alicia Keys was thrilled about.  However, she’s probably not celebrating the news that the total number of sales was the second lowest ever for a #1 album since SoundScan began monitoring album sales in 1991.  It sounds like Debbie Downer swooped in just in time to prevent any sort of celebratory affair.  “Congratulations, you have the most popular album this week! Too bad you didn’t sell enough to cover your rent this week…Wa wa wa wa waaahhhhhh.”

Keys’ album sold a total of 60,519 copies last week.  The lowest before this was the Dreamgirls soundtrack which sold 60,064 copies in its second week about a year ago. 

Listen to the sweetest single off the album before Debbie works her voodoo and turns it into a repetitive radio favorite that 13 year olds can download as their ringtone. Whoops, too late! 

I had no idea that Heath Ledger’s talents extended into the music business.  The Australian actor joined forces with Ben Harper to create the record label Music Masses Co. and in 2006 directed this video for “Morning Yearning,” a song off of Harper’s album entitled Both Sides of the Gun. It was the first of three music videos directed by Ledger.  Truth be told, I haven’t listened to Ben Harper since my junior year in college when Fight for Your Mind took up permanent residence in my 3-disk cd changer boombox, but watching this video in the wake of the actor’s sudden death made me once again appreciate the melancholic songwriter: and of course gain some insight into the diverse nature of the actor’s talents.

The new season of American Idol kicked off with a bang last night in a 2 hour premiere of the Philly auditions.  The audition episodes generally pale in comparison to the actual elimination shows, but 2 contestants helped defy that rule last night: Alexis Cohen and the Princess Leia chick.  Alexis (who’s audition you can watch below) is quite possibly the strangest girl the  state of Pennsylvania has ever produced.  She’s an aspiring vet who lives with her mother, 2 cats and 1 dog in a one-room studio.  She had so much glitter on her body it looked like the entire 70s Glam Rock scene had just exploded on her face.  If Melissa Etheridge and Gary Glitter had a love child that talked like a truck driver and sang like Janis Joplin, Alexis would be that child.  Whenever she opened her mouth odd things just flew right out, including this very matter-of-fact quote: “I like things that shine.  I’m like a pirate.”

And then there was Christina, the self-described “goofball.”  Christina is a huge Star Wars fan and she had the hairmuffs to prove it.  Christina had, in my book, one of the greatest reasons for auditioning: “I want out of my hometown because there’s nothing to offer there.  Unless I become a corrections officer…which has been a…possibility.”

And the beat goes on.  Off to another great start, Idol!

Either this 5 year old has a photographic memory or really messed up parents.  Watch her sing all the lyrics to the One Republic/Timbaland hit “Apologize.”  Don’t let the car seat and the lisp fool you, she really nails this one - and will probably star in her own vh1 reality show before my next promotion at the office.  (Thanks for the tip, Claire!)

Shady, yeah a little bit.  Slim, not so much anymore.  According to TMZ, a 212 pound Eminem was rushed to the hospital over the holidays to treat a serious heart condition and complications with pneumonia.  Last time I checked, people suffering from debilitation colds and spouts of pneumonia usually drop the LBs, no?  Was someone swapping out his antibiotic pills with bacon double cheeseburgers and not telling him? 

It’s funny, as I’m reading this article about Eminem’s “ballooning weight” and “health scare,” there’s a big fat Dollar Menunaires advertisement for McDonalds in the sidebar.  Oh, online advertising.  Let’s round him out to a solid 300 pounds and schedule the heart transplant now.

Hillary Clinton pulled off an unexpected victory over Barack Obama in the New Hampshire primaries last night.  Soon afterward, she chatted with Mtv News about the importance of young voters and the influence they had over this win.  I’m not entirely sure why Mtv was in southern NH last night and not cutting footage of drunken Real World Australia make-out sessions somewhere, but good for them. 

In her exclusive interview with Mtv, Clinton admitted that she may owe a large part of her NH victory to her daughter, Chlesea, who had some ideas about reaching out to young voters in the last few weeks.  “I have always believed that elections are about the future,” she said. “I want to give this election back to the people of this country, but especially the young people.”

And I know it’s been played before, but here it is again.  I may not vote for you Hills, but this one is dedicated to you!

And when you do, your olfactory senses should pick up on a certain someone named Ollie Byrd, a one-man show with a full band sound hailing from Brooklyn.  When I popped this little indie rock gem into my computer, Modest Mouse’s Lonesome Crowded West immediately came to mind.  But even though it channels Isaac Brock’s quirky vocals, this by no means defines the album: the Mouse is merely a recognizable influence.  Barrel O’ Fun has a quintessential noise-pop quality - low fi sound wrapped around smooth melodies.  And with catchy guitar riffs and digital drum beats around every corner Byrd creates the perfect marriage of rock and pop.

This album is anything but predictable, which is a refreshing change from the formulaic nature of many big label productions.  Sometimes even within the same track (”Wendy”) Byrd fluctuates between brooding verses one minute and melodious sing-a-longs the next.  Jason Miller from Stereolab Music Review describes one of the stand-out tracks, “Chaka Khan” with the following: “It sounds as if Kurt Cobain had fallen for a Jenny Lewis type instead of Courtney Love and gave birth to a tongue in cheek downtempo love ballad.”  It’s a bizarre, yet chillingly accurate analogy.

With all the generic rock and pop that is mass produced and shoved down our throats like day old spaghetti, experiencing Barrel O’ Fun is like suddenly biting into a mascarpone and gruyere calzone.  That doesn’t mean it’s cheesy, it means you should put down your fork full o’ Fall Out Boy and pick up some Ollie Byrd. Pronto.

So when I noticed that the Grammy Nominations were announced today, I quickly thought of my Sunday evening plans and wondered if this time I would remember to set the DVR correctly (I was in Mexico for the Mtv Music Video Awards and I simply blanked on the recent AMAs).  To ensure that I don’t miss this one, I head on over to www.grammy.com only to see the horrific real-time countdown for the 5oth Annual Grammy Awards.  The ticker kindly informs me it’s a whopping 66 days, 4 hours, 49 minutes, and some odd seconds away, as if the Recording Industry doesn’t have anything better to do this holiday season than count down the days until mid February.  Another award show I’m destined to miss - which in all honesty is fine given the disappointing fact that Kanye West and Amy Winehouse are the leading nominees.

I’m placing my bets now as to how this one will pan out.  Celine will put us to sleep, Chris Brown will make all of our eyeballs tired with his 18 yr. old dance moves, and Britney will choose to forgo the festivities, opting instead for a trip to a nearby Starbucks.  I’m counting on a heavy American Idol presence, given the fact that Daughtry has sold more records than any other artist in 2007, and Carrie Underwood pretty much snagged every American Country Music Award.

I don’t care who the host is as long as one of the performances is Timbaland featuring One Republic.  The master producer has been responsible for most of the great pop singles of 2007.  It would only be right.

Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be in the news because of her singing and not because of what she put up her nose? Wait, of course you don’t.  Let me refresh your memory.  Lindsay Lohan has two previously released pop music albums and now she plans to put out a third with a little help from a famous rapper. According to Yahoo News, 50 Cent plans to work with Lohan on her upcoming album, allegedly titled Nobody’s Angel.  Lohan’s dad, Michael, claims the two have known each other for some time now and are in “talks” about working together.  Believe it, people.  No source is more reputable than Michael Lohan, the deadbeat dad who’s probably still living off of her Parent Trap royalties.  I hope for 50s sake this isn’t true, it’s much too soon to commit career suicide.

This is a sad day.  Not because I’m suffering from a ruthless upper respiratory infection that might just leave me without a lung, but because American Idol winner, Jordin Sparks, made a disappointing appearance on the Billboard charts this week.  Her debut album (self-titled) wound up in the 10 spot, the lowest ranking for any debut album by an Idol winner.  It sold a mere 119,000 copies (to give you some reference, the unpopular winner of Season 5, Taylor Hicks, still sold about 298,000).  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen the video to her new single “Tattoo” and let’s just say it definitely isn’t en fuego.  In fact, I’ve seen it several times now and I couldn’t even hum the chorus to you.  I still have Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” running through my eardrums.  And he didn’t even win!

Anyway, I’m genuinely saddened by this news. According to this article on CNN, Sparks wants her image and music to reflect who she is - just a wholesome girl who’s not ready to sing raunchy, sexy love songs.  Like Britney back in the day, except in her case we all suspected that someone different lay just beneath the surface.

Big shocker here. After talks with her management and tour bosses in London, Amy Winehouse decided she just can’t continue touring without her husband, Blake, who is currently in jail awaiting trial for whatever crazy thing he did. I still think he’s hiding in her beehive and this is just an excuse to leave the tour before she looses what few fans she has left.  People have been walking out of her concerts halfway through, utterly fed up with her stumbling, slurring, poor performances.  Winehouse claims she’s a mess and can’t perform well without her jailbird husband, and I’m pretty positive ”husband” is a code word for crack cocaine and heroin.

So I can sort of understand why Backstreet and Bo Bice fans berated burgernoodle on previous posts, but I dare you Amy Winehouse fans, I just dare you.

A fun little factoid before you run off and gorge yourself with turkey and butternut squash.  The No. 1 hit that was written 40 years ago is back on the singles chart with a little help from the Boston Red Sox, who play the tune at every home game.  And now we finally know what inspired Neil Diamond to write the single largest hit song of his career.  Caroline Kennedy.  Mum was the word for many decades, but when he had a chance to perform (via satellite) at Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg’s 50th birthday party last week, he decided to divulge the secret.  Diamond said he had “never discussed it with anybody - intentionally.”  He had hoped to tell her in person (or via satellite) someday, and he finally did.  According to the Baltimore Sun:

Diamond was a “young, broke songwriter” when a photo of the president’s daughter in a news magazine caught his eye.

“It was a picture of a little girl dressed to the nines in her riding gear, next to her pony,” Diamond recalled. “It was such an innocent, wonderful picture, I immediately felt there was a song in there.”

Years later, holed up in a hotel in Memphis, he would write the words and music in less an hour.

It’s pretty wild that the song has returned to the charts after 4 decades.  The Red Sox, of course, have since become the singing legend’s favortite baesball team.  Smart, smart guy.

For those that don’t remember, Bo Bice was the American Idol runner-up the year Carrie Underwood took the crown - and God couldn’t have gotten it more right. Here is Bo Bice doing his very best impression of Lenny Kravitz.  And no, it’s not a cover song.  The single was written by Bice - so what if he wrote it at a Lenny Kravitz concert while “Are You Gonna Go My Way” was ringing through his eardrum.  Grow some Alanis Morissette-length hair and throw on some hippy dippy clothes and no one will be able to tell, right? Wrong.  Watch his new video for the single “Witness.”

Because of the holiday week, Monday’s mix is just 5 songs long.  But they are 5 essential pop tunes that everybody should be listening to right now.  Dare I say they’re the best of the best.  I could have added some fillers - about 7 from last week’s VH1’s top 20 video countdown come to mind - but what’s the point.  Let’s come together and give thanks to those pop/r&b/rock artists who sneak catchy little melodies into our heads each and every day.  Listen now.