Burgernoodle

According to the Herald Tribune, 50 Cent has sued Taco Bell for unauthorized use of his name in a nation-wide advertising campaign.  Court papers filed by the rapper, who’s real name is Curtis Jackson, say the chain did not get 50 Cent’s endorsement for their “Why Pay More” campaign which features the rapper being asked to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent.  The papers say the Irvine, Calif.-based company sent a bogus letter requesting the name change to the news media but not to the rapper.

Fiddy accused the Mexican-style fast food chain of “diluting the value of his good name” (Clearly the rapper has not tried the Cheesy Gordita Crunch!!) and is seeking $4 million in damages. 

Of course he did.  Wouldn’t you?

British media reported that Bale’s mother and sister told police he assaulted them at the Dorchester Hotel in London on Sunday night, a day before attending the European premiere of “The Dark Knight.”  Australian 7 News (definitely my news source of choice) declared that Heath Ledger’s death was to blame for the outburst.  Because blame should be placed where blame is due, dammit!  God forbit we suggest Mr. Bale take a crash course in anger management.  Poor guy is just mourning the loss of his friend; mom and sis just happened to get in the way of his mourning fist.*

*i highly doubt fists were involved.

Sometimes in “battle” one opponent sizes up the other opponent and thinks ‘I could fight this son-of-a-B, or I could make it to McDonalds before they change their dollar menu’.  At which point said opponent splits and makes a bee line for the nearest drive-though.  I can’t be certain, but I think this is may be the approach Britney Spears takes towards “battle”.  When it comes to fighting for her children of course.  The older, wiser sister of Jamie Lynn once told Matt Lauers in a teary interview that she believed she was a good mom.  She then failed a couple of drug tests and skipped a couple of custody hearings because the thought of a venti mocha latte double whip was just too tempting.  Now it seems, according to the LA Times, that Britney has agreed to give sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James to ex-husband, Kevin Federline.  Because nothing says “I’m a good mom” more than “Eh, you can have ‘em.”

Now we know why Angelina and Brad keep having babies.  According to E Online, Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, the two most famous blubbering masses of flesh on the planet, are projected to rake in $15-20 million for their very first photo shoot.  Shiloh only made $5-7 million, which undoubtedly will cause some sibling turbulence several years down the road when they’re old enough for spit balls and name-calling.  Brangelina would be foolish to stop now - with their 10th child they could probably buy Idaho.  At which point they would secede from the union and begin selling potatoes at a thousand dollars a sack to the rest of us poor bastards.

If you wonder why the future of the human race looks so bleak it’s because freaky little simpletons like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married and procreating and comedic heroes like Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are breaking up before getting knocked up.  This just does not bode well for the next generation of celebrities.  If only Sarah had been f**cking her boyfriend and not Matt Damon, maybe this could have been avoided.  Thanks, Vanity Fair, for the uplifting news.

Well, the population of Jolie-Pittville is now 8 after Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins on Saturday night.  US Magazine reported today that Angelina was “awake and speaking and laughing” during the Cesarian Section procedure, which I’m pretty sure is a big fat pile of crap.  If someone was slicing open my abdomen and yanking out two screaming identical aliens, I think I would grab my husband by the jugular and tie his tubes right then and there.  Congratualtions to those two babies who have probably earned more money in these first two days of infancy than I will in my entire life.  Hooray!

I feared this day more than Armageddon itself.  The day Heidi Montag’s music video for “Higher” hit the internet.  Why?  Because it’s equally disastrous yet - unfortunately - we’re still here to witness it.  After the boob enhancement and nose job, you knew stardom was next on Montag’s to-do list.  You were just praying the end of the world would come sooner.  Somebody should have told her that just because The Hills aired on Mtv, a singing career isn’t the logical next step.  If the show had aired on Fox would that have given her the right to run out and become a GOP strategist?  I think not!

Her awkward poses, rhythmless dancing, and hellish vocals make Paris Hilton look like a Grammy winner.  Here it is, the video that I’m pretty sure her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, filmed with his camera phone.

Fergie, the booty-shaking, platform-wearing pop singer has not only won a date with Tad Hamilton, she’s won his everlasting husbandry love.  According to CNN, a publicist for Josh Duhamel (star of TV’s ”Las Vegas” and last summer’s “Transformers”) has announced that the two little love birds are now engaged.  The oddly paired romantic couple have been dating for three years and have recently bought a house together. 

In a completely unrelated sidenote, I’d like to add that Fergie got exponentially more interesting once she stepped away from the Black Eyed Peas and released her solo album, “The Dutchess.”  I’ve actually gone from despising her to pumping “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and “Glamorous” into every jukebox I come across. I’d love to know how many people share this sentiment.  I also want to test out this polling feature…

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This news may be a month old, but the James Blunt parody was a year old and still burgernoodle-worthy, so here goes…

Apparently, back at the end of September a new Avril Lavigne web site popped up called www.perezlavigne.com.  It seeks revenge on celebrity blogger/basher Perez Hilton for all the mean little things he’s written on his site about Avril.  Although the author claims to be Avril herself (attempts to contact the Webmaster of the site have been unsuccessful), a spokesperson for the singer said she has nothing to do with it.  I would probably believe Avril and her spokesperson had I not read this little excerpt from the site:

I mean, he thinks in his own little world that he is the best and he makes everybody look silly on his Blog. But in reality he is the biggest stupid person I’ve ever seen!

Now if that wasn’t penned by the same person that wrote ”Sk8er Boi” then the joke’s on me, I guess.  Anyway, there’s a poll on the site trying to collect enough signatures to “make Perez disappear from the Net with his stupid Web site.”  As if that’s the way things actually work. Sounds like somebody spent too much time running for student counsel in jr. high.

Avril’s imposter is still at large.

According to E! Online, Britney Spears has run over her third paparazzi foot in less than a month while pulling into the Four Seasons Hotel the other night.  It’s perfectly safe to assume that the pop star has never benefited from the AAA “good driver” discount, but what we don’t know is why these cameramen even dare go near her vehicle without steel-toed boots these days.  But even if she’s more of a hazzard to the road than 3 feet of black ice, I’m siding with Brit on this one.  Shame on the paparazzi, they should know better.

Although there’s no documented footage (sorry) like the last time she squashed a photographer’s toes while exiting the doctor’s office, the cameraman (after ingnoring a hotel security guard’s warnings to “back up! back up!”) did scream out when she drove past.  At that point, she actually stopped the car, but no charges were filed.  Probably because it was just a ploy to snap a few more shots.  Because what the internet really needs is more pictures of Britney behind the wheel.

Jessica Simpson has been accused of dating someone famous in order to drum up publicity for her upcoming country album.  Gasp! Mark this day down in your calendars, folks, this may be the first time in the history of Hollywood that someone’s ever faked a relationship to boost their image [see: Tom Cruise and the relationships that have spanned his lifetime].  Apparently the daisy duke and Owen Wilson have gone on several recent “dates” - dates that be the brainchild of an extraordinary publicity stunt!  He’s a fellow Texan recovering from a suicide attempt, and she’s a floppy pop star who’s putting out her first country album.  In the end, it doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake.  All celebrity relationships are silly fabrications.  When was the last time you read an US Magazine and then filed it away into the non-fiction aisle of your mental library?  Probably never.

See?  She’s a decent mother afterall.  She did what any loving mother would do for their children towards the end of the fall harvest…make a trip to the pumpkin patch to prep for Hallows Eve!  Oops, close.  Turns out, according to US Magazine, that when Britney and the gang stopped at the Calabasas pumpkin patch, she made the kids stay in the car.  Aren’t patches sort of for the children?  Isn’t that why you go?  Otherwise, wouldn’t you just snag a pumpkin on sale at the check-out line of Safeway?

Despite all the negative press Britney is getting for loving her mocha frap lattes more than her kids, her latest single “Gimme More” is definitely getting plenty of airtime, and recently hit #3 on Billboards Hot 100 List.  And don’t ask why.  It’s Britney, bitch.

E! Online reports that Clear Channel Communications in Florida has been bullied by Britany Spears’ attorneys to take down billboards promoting a crraaazzy local radio show because they used those psycho bald photos of the pop singer that anyone with a computer or an US magazine subscription has seen about a gazillion times.  What’s another billboard plastered along the highway gonna do?  Convince the 75 year olds driving from Tampa to Jacksonville that they shouldn’t buy any future Britney albums because she belongs in the loony bin?  Well guess what, those folks are driving to the loony bin and they can barely see the road…let alone those billboards.  Ageist jokes aside, it may be time to make fun of a different washed up pop star.  And really, isn’t it also time for us to take a wee bit of responsibility for her alleged craziness?  We didn’t put the cheetos in her mouth, but it’s likely we put those clippers in her hands.  The lesson here?  Start breeding tougher pop stars.