Burgernoodle

Brooke Hogan, the daughter of the infamous wrestler and star of “Brooke Knows Best” is perhaps a bigger idiot than Heidi Montag.  I know that’s a pretty big statement, but so was hers on last night’s episode of her moronic reality show.  When interviewing a potential roommate, Brooke claims she’s “not that into voting” and goes on to say, “I think that it’s kind of crazy that a woman is running because I think that women deal in emotion, and menopause, and PMS, and stuff…”

I can’t say I’m suprised given her chromosome donors, but well, yeah, I am a bit suprised.  Sorry Darwinism, you lose - the stupid people really are taking over.  Here’s the video:

It appears that their every increasing age, Keith Richard’s poor health, and Ron Wood’s affinity for 18 year old white Russians and, well, daily white russians, is not slowing down this 60s rock band.  The Rolling Stones recently signed a “long term” contract with Universal, thus handing new president of EMI, Guy Hands, pretty much the worst day of his career - which, in all honesty, was probably a cake walk after he got over the pain of having a name like ”Guy Hands.”  He also failed to re-sign Radiohead this year.  Guy seems to be having what we like to call in our household “one shit sandwich of a year.”  The Stones had been with EMI for over 20 years, but now Universal will control all albums since Sticky Fingers (1971) and according to Yahoo News, will “begin planning an unprecedented, long-term campaign to reposition the Rolling Stones’ entire catalog for the digital age.” 

According to the Herald Tribune, 50 Cent has sued Taco Bell for unauthorized use of his name in a nation-wide advertising campaign.  Court papers filed by the rapper, who’s real name is Curtis Jackson, say the chain did not get 50 Cent’s endorsement for their “Why Pay More” campaign which features the rapper being asked to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent.  The papers say the Irvine, Calif.-based company sent a bogus letter requesting the name change to the news media but not to the rapper.

Fiddy accused the Mexican-style fast food chain of “diluting the value of his good name” (Clearly the rapper has not tried the Cheesy Gordita Crunch!!) and is seeking $4 million in damages. 

Of course he did.  Wouldn’t you?

British media reported that Bale’s mother and sister told police he assaulted them at the Dorchester Hotel in London on Sunday night, a day before attending the European premiere of “The Dark Knight.”  Australian 7 News (definitely my news source of choice) declared that Heath Ledger’s death was to blame for the outburst.  Because blame should be placed where blame is due, dammit!  God forbit we suggest Mr. Bale take a crash course in anger management.  Poor guy is just mourning the loss of his friend; mom and sis just happened to get in the way of his mourning fist.*

*i highly doubt fists were involved.

In case you missed last night’s educational, mind-expanding episode of Big Brother 10, here you go:  Tool with the muscles loves his muscles and anyone else in the house who also loves his muslces.  He is this week’s HOH.  Girl with the big hair and the east coast accent (I can’t be more specific about the geographical origin of the accent) wins POV and decides to keep those other two tools up on the block, thus squashing the one and only chance of something actually happening in this episode.  Two old people fight with a few other tools in the house regarding something related to being old.  There were some tooth-brushing shots, some outfit changes, but mainly just a bunch of boring people lying around pretending to scheme; which must be a bit challenging with limited brain functionality. 

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting recap of tonight’s show.  If CBS’s sole reason for airing this show is to get us excited about Fall TV, it is definitely working.

Estelle Getty, otherwise known as the fiesty Sophia Petrillo from ‘The Golden Girls’ passed away today at the age of 84.  The show, which ran from 1985 to 1992, was a huge television hit and thanks to the Lifetime network and its 3-a-day reruns, became something of a cult classic just in the last few years.  I mean, I know a 31 year old with a signed photo of Betty White and a portrait of Rose, Blanche, Dorothy, and Sofia on her key chain, but I’m not naming any names. 

The show was pure comedic brilliance, taking four women in their 60s, giving them each a character that could only be hilarious within the context of the other three, and sticking them in the Miami singles scene.  It was the Sex And The City of the late 80s, but instead of 30-somethings donning New York fashion in the hipster club scene, they were senior citizens dressed in mumus out on the lanai.  Basically doing the same thing: making fun of each other and talking about men.

We will certainly all miss that sharp-tongued little Sicilian lady and those one-liners she so notoriously pounded out every episode:

Rose [about a colleague at work]: I know if he got to know me he’d like me.
Sophia: Why, I got to know you and I don’t like you.
Rose: You just say that.
Sophia: Repeatedly.

Sometimes in “battle” one opponent sizes up the other opponent and thinks ‘I could fight this son-of-a-B, or I could make it to McDonalds before they change their dollar menu’.  At which point said opponent splits and makes a bee line for the nearest drive-though.  I can’t be certain, but I think this is may be the approach Britney Spears takes towards “battle”.  When it comes to fighting for her children of course.  The older, wiser sister of Jamie Lynn once told Matt Lauers in a teary interview that she believed she was a good mom.  She then failed a couple of drug tests and skipped a couple of custody hearings because the thought of a venti mocha latte double whip was just too tempting.  Now it seems, according to the LA Times, that Britney has agreed to give sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James to ex-husband, Kevin Federline.  Because nothing says “I’m a good mom” more than “Eh, you can have ‘em.”

In 2006, Lou Pearlman, the man behind such boy bands as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for the largest ever Ponzi scheme - for more than 20 years Pearlman enticed individuals and banks to invest in Transcontinental Airlines Travel Services Inc. and Transcontinental Airlines Inc., which existed only on paper.  Now federal authorities are ordering Pearlman to pay a hefty sum of $300 million to the individuals and banks that he ripped off.

How he plans to pay off this mammoth debt is a mystery that will only reveal itself with time and quite a handful of prison jobs.  According to Yahoo! News:

“It will be difficult for Pearlman to repay all the money while he is behind bars. Pearlman made millions in the record industry in the 1990s, but investigators have found that money and more seemingly gone with the collapse of his Ponzi scheme…He’s been allowed to manage — at arm’s length — the few remaining music acts he still has. He could also offer wages from whatever job he gets in federal prison, ranging from 12 cents an hour to $1.15 an hour for top-scale factory work.”

I’m no CPA, but I just plugged $1.15/hr X 40 hrs/week X however many years this guy has left into the portion of my brain that does mind math and I did not come up with $300 million. 

Above is a picture of Lou in happier times, looking like he maybe swallowed the 3rd, 4th, and 5th members of N’Sync (the first and second being Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass, of course).

Remember when Britney Spears made her amazing comback at the VMAs last year?  Well now that she’s on top again, she’d better put out a new album pronto because Miley Cyrus is really starting to nip at her heels.  Next thing you know it’s Miley who will go platinum and make her naked debut in Vanity Fair.  Wait…

Tall tales aside, pop music’s most tragic starlet is back in the studio.  Her manager, Larry Rudolph, tells People:

“She’s working with a team of top-notch producers and songwriters, and we’re very excited about what she’s accomplished so far. No album release date has been confirmed yet.”  Rudolph claims Britney is just “having fun” in the studio - “Some days she’ll go in and get nothing done. Some times she’ll just play around a little bit…Britney is getting back in touch with Britney.”

It’s so nice that the two can reunite.  Keep your eye out for this inevitable Billboard topper.

Deadline Hollywood Daily is reporting the unfortunate news that Baby Mama and SNL star, Amy Poehler is planning to leave SNL to star in The Office spinoff show.  The new show is rumored to make its debut on Superbowl Sunday in February ‘09, right after The Office.  NBC should have figured out by now that spinoff shows (ahem, Joey) just don’t really work.  My only hope is that Amy Poehler can defy history and make this the second funniest show on primetime TV.  My other only hope is that her husband, Will Arnett, better known as Gob Bluthe, joins the endeavor.  And my last only hope is that those two make a baby to balance out the Simpson-Wentz offspring.

So I caught a little glimpse of this lady on NBC’s America’s Got Talent and let me just say, it’s frightening beyond all belief.  Some crazy doctor somewhere has replaced her womanly parts with little ninjas made of steel.  You would think that at some point (maybe when her brazier required bungee cord assembly), Busty Heart here would just say enough is enough.  Nope, she decided to go on TV.

If you’re upset that you can no longer find anything funny on Youtube it’s because all the SNL skits are over on Hulu.  This isn’t new, but it’ll never get old.

Now we know why Angelina and Brad keep having babies.  According to E Online, Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, the two most famous blubbering masses of flesh on the planet, are projected to rake in $15-20 million for their very first photo shoot.  Shiloh only made $5-7 million, which undoubtedly will cause some sibling turbulence several years down the road when they’re old enough for spit balls and name-calling.  Brangelina would be foolish to stop now - with their 10th child they could probably buy Idaho.  At which point they would secede from the union and begin selling potatoes at a thousand dollars a sack to the rest of us poor bastards.

If you wonder why the future of the human race looks so bleak it’s because freaky little simpletons like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married and procreating and comedic heroes like Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are breaking up before getting knocked up.  This just does not bode well for the next generation of celebrities.  If only Sarah had been f**cking her boyfriend and not Matt Damon, maybe this could have been avoided.  Thanks, Vanity Fair, for the uplifting news.

Rolling Stones rocker Ron Wood, 61, has allegedly run off an 18-yr Russian waitress, leaving family and friends (including his wife of 23 years) in a state of shock.  I’m not sure what the normal behavior of an aging rocker pushing senior citizen status who puts away two bottles of vodka a day is, but my guess is this is right on the money.  Gross and wildly inappropriate?  Yes.  Shocking?  No.

According to NY Daily News:

Wood’s wife, 53-year-old  Jo Wood, told reporters the two are on a painting trip together, and that they are certainly not “boyfriend and girlfriend - in that way.”

Apparently Mrs. Wood is only drinking one and a half bottles of vodka a day.