Burgernoodle

(Toni Braxton wearing a piece of tp at the 2001 Grammy Awards)

Luckily for the Recording Industry, the Grammy Awards will not suffer the same fate as the recent Golden Globes.  The Writer’s Guild, still on strike, announced it would grant an “interim agreement” with Grammy organizers so that union writers can pen the script for the 50th annual Grammy Awards show (to air Feb. 10th on CBS).  If the Hollywood writers ever want to reach an agreement with producers this show better be flippin’ amazing.  They need to rise above the usual award-show-mediocrity and write some jaw-dropping jokes.  In all honesty, a 7th grade english student with the comedic capacity of a Joe Rogan could have written the past 49 Grammy Awards shows*.  It’s time to burn this mother out!  Otherwise, Junior High “B” students of the world should march down to la la land on Feb. 11th demanding industry jobs. 

*This comment was flagged for being slightly false: I probably started watching these shows only about 20 years ago.  Maybe the first 29 were amaaaaazing.  I wouldn’t know.

As I am topped the charts last week, something I’m sure Alicia Keys was thrilled about.  However, she’s probably not celebrating the news that the total number of sales was the second lowest ever for a #1 album since SoundScan began monitoring album sales in 1991.  It sounds like Debbie Downer swooped in just in time to prevent any sort of celebratory affair.  “Congratulations, you have the most popular album this week! Too bad you didn’t sell enough to cover your rent this week…Wa wa wa wa waaahhhhhh.”

Keys’ album sold a total of 60,519 copies last week.  The lowest before this was the Dreamgirls soundtrack which sold 60,064 copies in its second week about a year ago. 

Listen to the sweetest single off the album before Debbie works her voodoo and turns it into a repetitive radio favorite that 13 year olds can download as their ringtone. Whoops, too late! 

I had no idea that Heath Ledger’s talents extended into the music business.  The Australian actor joined forces with Ben Harper to create the record label Music Masses Co. and in 2006 directed this video for “Morning Yearning,” a song off of Harper’s album entitled Both Sides of the Gun. It was the first of three music videos directed by Ledger.  Truth be told, I haven’t listened to Ben Harper since my junior year in college when Fight for Your Mind took up permanent residence in my 3-disk cd changer boombox, but watching this video in the wake of the actor’s sudden death made me once again appreciate the melancholic songwriter: and of course gain some insight into the diverse nature of the actor’s talents.

The new season of American Idol kicked off with a bang last night in a 2 hour premiere of the Philly auditions.  The audition episodes generally pale in comparison to the actual elimination shows, but 2 contestants helped defy that rule last night: Alexis Cohen and the Princess Leia chick.  Alexis (who’s audition you can watch below) is quite possibly the strangest girl the  state of Pennsylvania has ever produced.  She’s an aspiring vet who lives with her mother, 2 cats and 1 dog in a one-room studio.  She had so much glitter on her body it looked like the entire 70s Glam Rock scene had just exploded on her face.  If Melissa Etheridge and Gary Glitter had a love child that talked like a truck driver and sang like Janis Joplin, Alexis would be that child.  Whenever she opened her mouth odd things just flew right out, including this very matter-of-fact quote: “I like things that shine.  I’m like a pirate.”

And then there was Christina, the self-described “goofball.”  Christina is a huge Star Wars fan and she had the hairmuffs to prove it.  Christina had, in my book, one of the greatest reasons for auditioning: “I want out of my hometown because there’s nothing to offer there.  Unless I become a corrections officer…which has been a…possibility.”

And the beat goes on.  Off to another great start, Idol!

Either this 5 year old has a photographic memory or really messed up parents.  Watch her sing all the lyrics to the One Republic/Timbaland hit “Apologize.”  Don’t let the car seat and the lisp fool you, she really nails this one - and will probably star in her own vh1 reality show before my next promotion at the office.  (Thanks for the tip, Claire!)

Shady, yeah a little bit.  Slim, not so much anymore.  According to TMZ, a 212 pound Eminem was rushed to the hospital over the holidays to treat a serious heart condition and complications with pneumonia.  Last time I checked, people suffering from debilitation colds and spouts of pneumonia usually drop the LBs, no?  Was someone swapping out his antibiotic pills with bacon double cheeseburgers and not telling him? 

It’s funny, as I’m reading this article about Eminem’s “ballooning weight” and “health scare,” there’s a big fat Dollar Menunaires advertisement for McDonalds in the sidebar.  Oh, online advertising.  Let’s round him out to a solid 300 pounds and schedule the heart transplant now.

Hillary Clinton pulled off an unexpected victory over Barack Obama in the New Hampshire primaries last night.  Soon afterward, she chatted with Mtv News about the importance of young voters and the influence they had over this win.  I’m not entirely sure why Mtv was in southern NH last night and not cutting footage of drunken Real World Australia make-out sessions somewhere, but good for them. 

In her exclusive interview with Mtv, Clinton admitted that she may owe a large part of her NH victory to her daughter, Chlesea, who had some ideas about reaching out to young voters in the last few weeks.  “I have always believed that elections are about the future,” she said. “I want to give this election back to the people of this country, but especially the young people.”

And I know it’s been played before, but here it is again.  I may not vote for you Hills, but this one is dedicated to you!